Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Dreamland seems cruel sometimes...

...but it's also an very honest world.

I had crazy dreams again, about horses getting hurt badly (not our horses), about the farm I grew up on, about horses and cows drowning in a cesspit, about my dad being totally unfair to me.
What is that when you do EVERYTHING right and it is STILL NOT ENOUGH!
I had these sort of dreams so many times.
But it's interesting that when you transform in "real life" your "dreamland life" also changes.
Tonight I realized that I couldnt take any more of it and decided to tell my father for the first time, that I would leave for good, and that I would not come back...

I woke up breathing heavy and tears started to surface.
Even now, writing this, my eyes get watery again.

Why is it so hard to grow up, why is it so hard to let go of those memories, those expectations and the need for love and approval?

Why is it so hard to say "NO, it's ENOUGH!"
Why is it so hard to let go of something that is not understandable?
Letting go without the need to comprehend other peoples hurtful actions?

It has been so hard for so long, impossible for me.
But now (at least in dreamland) I managed to let go of the "why" and say "I'ts Enough" out loud!
I am proud of that, and even though I never said it out loud in real life, it feels good inside.
I did leave in real life, and I don't feel the need to go back ever again.

Thinking back on the energy I grew up in I know I don't ever want to feel that again in real life.
I don't ever want to live like that again.
I don't ever want to be surounded by people that prefer that kind of (negative) energy AGAIN!

So what was the trigger for all of this..?
A simple phone call.
A phone call from my brother.
A reminder of my past life.
A simple phone call can bring back all the memories, all the feelings and that exact energy in a split second.
That phone line can even transfer that same energy from there to here.
A voice, so cold and hard, so helpless and lost, can bring back that feeling, that memory of a life that I was once part of.

Midas is calling me...
it's time to let go of my last dreamland adventures and come back to reality.
It's time to go out and spend some time with our angel Midas and his wise friend Indigo.

Time for spending time with loved ones.
Time to heal...


The world looks always brighter from behind a smile!


  1. Hey,
    I wish you a lot of energie for all the things you do !
    Have a wonderful Day !


  2. My heart hurts for you...but I am glad that dreams can help heal...and happy for the smiles after the pain. ~Janine XO

  3. If all we had in our lives were happy memories, we wouldn't be who we are today. Even those bad memories of people and things in our past have made us appreciate more who we are, and what we can make of our present and future lives. Ride on Michi and heal!

  4. Interesting and touching post. Can't live in the past - I've tried it. Just move ahead and think positive thoughts.

  5. It is hard to move on from a painful past and so little can trigger the memories. For self survival you have to put the bad memories behind you as a lesson learned and go on with the happier life you have made for yourself. It sounds like you are well on the way to healing. You are lucky to have your bond with Midas to help you when you hit a rough spot. It is so good that you are in a beautiful new home that will bring you lots of joyful memories.

  6. Life is a masterpiece of colors and shades. Shadows and darkness add depth and meaning to a painting. Without them the paining is flat and without depth.

    The scars of our past help to make us the strong women we are today. Acceptance and Unconditional Love are 2 things most people wish for. We expect them from our parents, our family, however, that is not a promise just a wish.

    Look to the Rainbow of Hope, find Peace, Joy and Unconditional Love in the warmth and depth of its colors. Bask in the glory of you, your loved ones, and the life you share with the one you love.

    May you find Peace today while riding your confidant, your friend, your 4 legged soul mate. May you find Hope today while working with your new home. And may you find Love today smiling across the table from you, reassuring you: You are Loved. Healing and Peace go out to you. Love and Light, Nina P.


Hello friends and visitors of hillybillyfarmgirl! Please feel free to leave a comment, I'd appreciate it.