...but it's also an very honest world.
I had crazy dreams again, about horses getting hurt badly (not our horses), about the farm I grew up on, about horses and cows drowning in a cesspit, about my dad being totally unfair to me.
What is that when you do EVERYTHING right and it is STILL NOT ENOUGH!
I had these sort of dreams so many times.
But it's interesting that when you transform in "real life" your "dreamland life" also changes.
Tonight I realized that I couldnt take any more of it and decided to tell my father for the first time, that I would leave for good, and that I would not come back...
I woke up breathing heavy and tears started to surface.
Even now, writing this, my eyes get watery again.
Why is it so hard to grow up, why is it so hard to let go of those memories, those expectations and the need for love and approval?
Why is it so hard to say "NO, it's ENOUGH!"
Why is it so hard to let go of something that is not understandable?
Letting go without the need to comprehend other peoples hurtful actions?
It has been so hard for so long, impossible for me.
But now (at least in dreamland) I managed to let go of the "why" and say "I'ts Enough" out loud!
I am proud of that, and even though I never said it out loud in real life, it feels good inside.
I did leave in real life, and I don't feel the need to go back ever again.
Thinking back on the energy I grew up in I know I don't ever want to feel that again in real life.
I don't ever want to live like that again.
I don't ever want to be surounded by people that prefer that kind of (negative) energy AGAIN!
So what was the trigger for all of this..?
A simple phone call.
A phone call from my brother.
A reminder of my past life.
A simple phone call can bring back all the memories, all the feelings and that exact energy in a split second.
That phone line can even transfer that same energy from there to here.
A voice, so cold and hard, so helpless and lost, can bring back that feeling, that memory of a life that I was once part of.
Midas is calling me...
it's time to let go of my last dreamland adventures and come back to reality.
It's time to go out and spend some time with our angel Midas and his wise friend Indigo.
Time for spending time with loved ones.
Time to heal...
The world looks always brighter from behind a smile!